Back in the Saddle

Okay, I am so out of practice, I have no idea how to even start this post.

Maybe I should start with, hello again 😊. I’m back. Not that anyone truly missed me. But it is very fun to pretend that I have this adoring fan base hanging onto my every word. Let me have it.

My life has been sort of crazy lately. An abundance of good things have happened to me since we last chatted and I would love to use this post to reflect on my recent travels and other life happenings.

I would also love to hear about YOUR life and how YOU are doing. There is so much to celebrate, and I’d love to hear about the amazing things happening to you. If you’re reading this, comment something beautiful that recently happened to you below 😊.

I started this blog with the intention of sharing my innermost thoughts in a creative and interesting way. So far, it has served me well. But I fell off of my biweekly uploads I had promised myself I would keep up with, and low and behold: I haven’t posted for months.

Funny how that happens.

I feel as though I want to start using this blog as a source of joy again. Especially as we come upon my favorite season of all, autumn. With the turning of the leaves, the cooling of the weather, the return home of residents of the city, I can’t help but feel extremely nostalgic for the start of school, the preparation for homecoming and Halloween, the sweet scent of bonfires and caramel apples and pumpkins in the air, and of course, my birthday.

I have something good to say about each season, because they all bring with them their own creature comforts. But the fall time has a special hold on me. It signifies ultimate coziness, family togetherness, chilly nights but pleasantly warm days. It’s everything.

And I want to commit to this platform again. I want to start writing more. So much has happened since my last post.

And with that, let’s talk.

I feel that recently I’ve come home to myself. What I mean by this is that through my recent travels and my willingness to say “no” to things that I know will burn me out, I’ve been able to stop forcing my own peace.

I’ve struggled with saying “no” my entire life.

 I suffer from FOMO, I hate disappointing people, and I sometimes say “yes” to events or trips when I know I either can’t afford them or don’t have the energy. I do it because I want to seem “down” for everything and “spontaneous”. It’s so stupid actually, because I know that I can be those things without sacrificing my energy, money, or time.

You all know I’ve done some solo traveling recently, and I took a bit of a scary leap. I booked a trip to Thailand, by myself. Now, I went with EF Ulitmate Break, which is a highly reputable company that takes tour groups to locations all around the world, but I still went without previously knowing anyone.

The refreshing feeling I now have post Thailand is one I wasn’t expecting to feel. It’s even better.

I’ve never been someone afraid of a challenge. I’m usually eager to jump into things headfirst without a lot of previous knowledge or research, even if it is to simply “prove” something. Either to others or to myself.

But this is one challenge I will for sure take on again. Because something magical happened to me on this trip.

As I was sitting on the white sandy beaches of an island in Phuket, sipping a Mai Thai in my bikini, looking out at the crystal blue waters where my new friends were waiting for me, I realized that I felt at peace. I was comfortable.

I had created an experience for myself that no one had told me to create. No one forced me to spend thousands of dollars on a whim. No one urged me to book a trip alone. In fact, most of my close family and friends were quite worried about me while I was away.

And I felt at home.

Although I wasn’t physically home, I had created new memories, met new people, nurtured relationships with them, went outside my comfort zone and looked at scary opportunities in a positive light, and I ultimately won the peace I was searching for. I had created it on my own.

I felt at home because I did it all by myself. I let myself enjoy something that initially scared me. And the only thing that I need to feel this way, is me.

Which is a very liberating thought coming from someone who was once in a place of complete despair. In a place of longing to be inside anyone else’s mind, anyone else’s body. I didn’t trust myself and I didn’t know myself well enough to understand that I would eventually get to where I wanted to be.

I did it. I did it all by myself.

I don’t know how to drive this point home any further.

How do I put this?

I wouldn’t say that I wasn’t myself before this. Or that I couldn’t feel this way in the past. Because I was. I was just a different version of myself.

There have been times in life where I have received outward validation about myself. When someone else would confirm a fact about me that I knew to be true.

But I feel like, as life goes on, we feel “disappointed” because something we used to identify with and relate to, isn’t relatable anymore. We grow and change, therefore we change our minds. We are no longer always bubbly and exuberant. We are now still outgoing, but instead are more introspective and observant.

People might even tell you that “you’ve changed.” And they won’t mean it in a very nice way.

You haven’t lost who you are. You are growing into who you were always meant to be.

I think that it’s time we celebrate that and realize that we WILL and SHOULD meet different versions of ourselves as we grow up. As we mature, we gather experiences that change our perception of life. We might even surprise ourselves.

I want to take more solo trips. I want to learn more about the world I live in. And I have my whole life to do that.

I think I was sort of scared and nervous to start my blog up again. Because picking yourself back up and trying again is imperative in the growth process, but it’s also admitting you didn’t do it exactly how you wanted to the first time. But that’s okay. I know this now.

I hope you related to this in some way or another. And don’t think you’re getting rid of me.  

I’m not giving myself a timeline this time around, because we all know that time batching creativity rarely produces the best results. The ultimate goal for me is to continue to write more. If anything, I want it to be something I pour myself into. Something I come to when I need to vent or get energy out. A creative outlet I’ve always gravitated towards but tend to procrastinate when I force myself to do it.

I will write when I want to write. When I feel I need to say something.

I hope you will too 😊

Talk soon,

Hannah