Choosing the Woman I Want to Become

So…It’s been an insanely long time since I’ve signed onto this wonderful corner of the internet.

Hi! How is everyone?

After not writing for a while, I was intimidated to start again. Writing has always been something that I know I’m good at, but I procrastinate it. And I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because it’s a flow activity that requires all of my concentration. And even though it inspires me and reinvigorates me, it takes me awhile to get back in the flow.

But alas, storytelling is one of my most favorite things. It allows me to escape, but also to make sense of my thoughts. Allows me to understand the world in my own way.

But, I seemingly never have time. To be in this flow.

Which is crazy. Procrastinating doing what lights me up inside? Because of a “lack of time?” Absolutely not! Not allowed!

So, this year, I’m aspiring to post once a month on the Sunny Deposition, because it’s mine. All mine.

I can come on here and talk to the void. Talk to no one.

And if you’re reading this, I see youuuu!

You may be someone who I’ve known once. Who I still know. Who I’ve left in the past.

I want to continue to communicate certain thoughts that run through my mind. Either fleeting or invasive. I want to put words out there in hopes that someone who finds them can feel less alone. Validated. Or to simply read words to make them feel better.

So, join me! I hope these words are finding you on a day that you want some good motivation, or simply something to read with your morning coffee, on your commute, or right before you slip into bed.

The title of this post has to do with decision. Deciding something and acting upon said decision.

I was inspired by one of my favorite people on the internet, Eli Rallo, to write this today. She’s a PUBLISHED author. And she has many wonderful things to say. I highly recommend you follow her. My inner theatre kid is inspired by her every day.

But she recently said some words that got me thinking.

She mentioned that she saw a quote the other day that said, “You can choose the kind of woman you want to be and then become her.”

And it rocked my world a little. Such a simple phrase, but with insane implications.

Because… in the words of Gracie Abrams, “That’s so true!”

I used to base my WHOLE personality on other people. Okay? I hate to admit that, but I’ve always been a very impressionable person. I’m the eldest daughter, so instead of looking up to an older sister, I looked up to older cousins. Older girls in my theatre productions in middle school. Older girls on my volleyball team. Older women celebrities, even.

And because I had such an impressionable personality, I would base a lot of my decisions on who I wanted to be based off what I admired about them. For some it was their humor. Their ability to make boys fall head over heels for them. Their singing voice. Their talent, their looks, their workout routine. I convinced myself that if only I could be just like them, I’d finally be a person worthy of my own admiration.

It’s funny. Because it only made me hate myself MORE.

I was not kind to myself as I came to discover how I was different from everyone else. I would get offended when I got called out on behavior or when I hurt someone and got extremely defensive. And no wonder! I didn’t know myself enough to be confident in my own convictions. They weren’t even MY convictions. Just flimsy ideals based on what someone else thought mattered.

Not me!

So here I am as a 26-year-old woman, learning how to look up to myself. And the potential I possess.

When I was young, I had no life to compare anything to. Now, I’ve got a couple years under my belt.

I know what has worked for me and what hasn’t. I know my reactions to things, and how certain experiences may make me feel. I’m armed with knowledge 😊

So although making my own decisions comes a little easier now, I’m still learning how to nourish my potential.

It’s taken me a couple years to realize, but post-grad is a terrifying place. Not because we must “have it all figured out”. That’s not true.

It’s the first time in my life, in the conventional sense, that I haven’t been doing the same thing as my peers. Of course I’m going to feel lost!

But, also, I’m free. We are all free.

How lucky are we to have the absolute free will and agency to actually wish and plan and go. At our own discretion, of course.

And I’m not discrediting the fact that there are societal expectations of how we are supposed to treat our 20s, or our 30s or our 40s. I just find it a whole lot more relieving to let go of those.

Even just a little.

To willingly choose to abide by them or not. To not deem following the “rules” as the end all be all.

It’s kind of like writing or even reading.

When I write, I feel so coherent and intelligent, but also so stupid and clueless at the same time. I read my favorite books and get transported into oblivion. And never stop to wonder how the words were written or that this story came out of someone else’s mind and exploded on the pages. I just exist in another reality.

The author transports me. My mind sets into a set of flow and all of a sudden, the sun has set and I can’t seem to remember how I got lost in the words.

What if…. I thought of the trajectory of my life this way? Not stopping to think about how to do everything right, but just… doing it? Based on feeling?

The day to day is a little more complicated. We want to be able to establish habits and rituals that nourish us and sustain us, of course.

But when it comes to who you want to be? I feel that’s a lot more instinctual than we think.  

This past year has given me a run for my money. I realized a lot of things about myself that I wanted to change. Things I didn’t want to sink into, but to shed off me. Things that were physical, financial, habitual. But mostly behavioral.

There’s a part of me that will always yearn for growth. That doesn’t know how to remain in the same place for too long. Who is always looking ahead. It’s one of the reasons why I feel I get my hopes up about the future so often. Why I romanticize everything.

I’ve also realized many things about myself that I don’t want to change. Things that I want to remain in. I met some versions of myself this year that I want to learn more about. Ones that I want to step into more. I was reunited with aspects of my childhood self. Some of my early passions. I want to explore those a little more. To let myself lean into them.

The woman that I am becoming, and the woman that I want to become may be different. That doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t yearn for and lean into those hopes. And maybe get a little lost in the process.

I want to trust myself this year. I want to get more lost in my old passions. My new knowledge.

I want to tell stories. To give opinions. To research more in an effort to cultivate those opinions. To reach beyond my usual breadth of thought.

I want to become a woman who can do many things and do them well.

I used to picture my highest self as this Adonis. This slender and feminine woman with long golden hair sitting on a cloud with her legs crossed and her long eyelashes fanning out over her cheeks. Wearing white and gold.

And that may still be the vision of my higher self in my mind, lol. Nothing wrong with that.

But I want her to be an essence almost. Like the wave of nostalgia and comfort you feel when you hug a loved one, and their intoxicating scent that lingers on your clothes after.

But my higher self doesn’t feel human, ya know? I do feel a part of becoming who I’ve always wanted to be involves being honest with myself.

We can’t fix anything, unless we are completely transparent about being broken in the first place.

And that’s one of the scariest things about growing up. People stop letting you know when you aren’t doing things that are good for you. Maybe they’ll offer up advice or community or threaten to leave your lives altogether. But until we recognize that we are the architects of our own unhappiness—that our shortcomings are ours alone to confront—we remain blind to the need for change. And I fear that realization can take years, even decades. The things we bury deep within ourselves, the flaws we know won’t mend on their own, often stay hidden until something forces them to the surface.

And then comes the question—do we even want to put in the effort?

Dark, isn’t it? Because, in truth, almost everything is worth the effort. Every flaw, every shortcoming is worth addressing, worth fighting for. Growth and change demand sacrifice, but they are always worthy pursuits.

Yet, the darkest struggles are the ones buried deep within us—the poisons we don’t even realize are there until something forces them to the surface. We seek comfort, safety, and spaces free from judgment. We go where we feel wanted. But often, that instinct betrays us.

This is something I’m still trying to untangle. Being human is impossibly complex. It’s beautiful and chaotic and exhausting and comforting all at the same time.

But maybe that complexity is the essence of what it means to be human. There is no singular right way to live, just as there is no singular wrong way. It’s all perception. And though we tell ourselves that our lives are ours alone to shape, we crave belonging. We seek our tribe.

At our core, community is survival. Comparison may be the thief of joy, but it’s also how we measure up our lives to survive in the community we have access to. No matter how we choose to live, some will celebrate us, and others will condemn us.

I don’t think I’m writing this in search of answers. I don’t expect to resolve the contradictions swirling in my mind.

I’m just saying—humanity is messy. It’s breathtaking and exhausting, comforting and chaotic all at once.

And here we are, at the existential spiral of my writing session. Lovely.

Regardless, this year has demanded honesty from me. I’ve had to take a hard look at myself, to measure who I am against who I want to become. And while I’m content with my life, I want more. I crave evolution. I crave growth.

So why not decide—right now—who I want to be? And simply start becoming her?

Sometimes I forget that I have free will.

I like to think of myself as a butterfly. Stay with me here.

It’s how I remind myself that everything will be okay. That no matter what happens, I’ll find a way to thrive.

I’ve always been drawn to butterflies and what they symbolize. It’s a wonder I don’t have one tattooed on me already. Across cultures and history, butterflies have represented transformation, renewal, and the soul’s journey. The ancient peoples of Mexico believed they carried the spirits of the dead. In Ireland and Germany, they were thought to be the souls of lost children. In Japan, white butterflies were said to be the departed returning home. In China, they symbolize longevity, and in Spain, a toast of wine was poured over ashes in honor of the butterfly that would carry the soul forward.

They are messengers of change, emblems of freedom and resilience. Creatures that, by their very nature, must transform to survive.

A Buddhist saying comes to mind: “What the caterpillar perceives as the end, to the butterfly is just the beginning.”

Isn’t that life?

So, like the butterfly, I can choose transformation. I can decide who I want to be and step into her.

Uncertain, yet free. Evolving, yet anchored in my own foundation.

Life will shift, and I will shift with it—trusting that every change, every choice, is just another step toward becoming.

And if you needed to hear this today, I hope my tangled thoughts helped you feel a little more at peace with renewal. With resilience.

There is endless beauty in changing course, in intentionally choosing a new path, in becoming exactly who we were meant to be.

Talk very soon xx,

Hannah