I Am My Own Worst Enemy

Hi everyone! Wow.

It’s good to be back. I know I haven’t posted in about a month. Which is so rude and naughty of me.

But I’m back!

It’s been a crazy couple of weeks between traveling, seeing family, and spending time with loved ones. My dating life has been a bit of a whirlwind too and I’ll talk about that soon enough but welcome back 😊!

It’s almost Christmas. The holiday season. A time to reflect on what we’re most grateful for and to be around the people we love. A time to slow down, a time to relish in what really matters. It’s a magical time of year.

But we’re also getting close to the end of the year. A time for New Year’s resolutions and checking back in with ourselves and our goals. New Year’s resolutions are an awesome concept, but I feel that sometimes we don’t really think about them in the healthiest ways.

It’s a time to focus in and better ourselves, but also a very toxic time to compare our successes to others, to get down on ourselves for not reaching our resolutions we set last year, and honestly, it feels really shitty falling short. The amount of pressure we put on ourselves to be the best, strive for success, and to meet others’ high expectations of us is CRAZY.

CRAZY!

There’s really no peace. On top of how chaotic we already feel with the pressure to have our shit together, here’s a time of year where we’re reminded oh so sweetly that we don’t!

Perfect.

I’ve been struggling a little bit lately with what I want to do with my life. Even though I have a job, and a beautiful life, I still crave more. I still don’t really know where my life is going to go. Which is okay. But lately I’ve been feeling internal pressure to prove myself. Career-wise. It’s weird.

I had a moment yesterday where I thought to myself, “What is satisfying to me?” And it’s a small but mighty question. What makes me feel satisfied, and what makes me feel happy in terms of my career and that fulfillment?

Because I know that ice cream makes me happy. I know that new clothes make me happy. And I know that laughing with my friends makes me happy.

But usually, I can’t make money off those kinds of things. And I wouldn’t say that my current corporate job makes me want to jump out of bed and get going every day. It’s wonderful and pays the bills, but it’s not my dream job.

I love being creative. I love filming Tik Tok videos. I love documenting my life via this blog and my Instagram. Riveting, I know.

But I feel like, if I made what I loved to do my job, would it make me happy still? Or would it become a chore? Is the point of life to have a job you love so you never work a day in your life? Or to work hard so that you can create a life you want and that will fulfill you?

When I was a kid, I got fulfillment and joy from the simplest things. Even just signing my name on a piece of paper or making a simple snack or saying something that made my mom and dad laugh. Nowadays I barely think twice when tipping the bartender with my own money, or making dinner, or making a funny joke.

The things that we used to get so much joy from have somehow lost the luster and magic we thought they had as kids.

I went to bed last night and some overwhelming thoughts crept in about the future and what I will make of it. I was thinking theses things while I’m already living in the future that I dreamt of as a kid. Like, when does it stop? When does the overwhelm settle? It feels like I’m doing everything right, but nothing right at the same time.

Do you ever feel like that? Like you’ve done everything right, and you’ve followed the rules, yet you still feel like you should be doing more? Is this it? I must be doing something wrong, because why else would I feel this way?

And this feeling ebbs and flows. I’m kinda emotional right now for hormonal reasons, haha, so that could be the culprit. I am a woman after all.

But, I must understand that life is a series of highs and lows and sometimes we feel like we’re on cloud nine and other times we feel like we’ve hit rock bottom. Realistically, life will never be perfect.

When I get in these moods, I always seem to compare myself to other people I would deem as successful. Yet, I don’t realize that these people I aspire to be like, have also struggled in their own way to get where they are.

First of all, comparison is the thief of joy. But I’ve sort of noticed a pattern in the ebbs and flows of life. One thing is consistent. And it is the way that I treat myself.

In my high days, I’m focused on my growth. I’m eating right. I’m moving my body. I’m prioritizing my own health and happiness and not letting anything else really get in the way of that.

In my lower days, I’m not treating myself very well. I am the culprit. It is no one else. Just me.

I am the one who is acting as my own worst enemy. On the days that I am most upset, lonely, burnt out, and feel out of whack, 90% of the time it is caused by something that I did.

It is caused by negative patterns that I have repeated. I either was lazy and spent my day on tik tok or took on something at work that I really didn’t have time for, or I binge ate during the day because I didn’t just make myself a proper breakfast.

Why do I do that? Why do I treat myself so differently than I would treat another person? Why am I so low on the totem pole of people I care about sometimes?

I read self-help books about this. I don’t put those tips into practice.

I give my friends this advice. I don’t take it all the time.

I give so much of myself and my energy to other people and seem to always let myself down first. I let myself repeat mistakes that I said I’d never do again. And it only hurts me.

I literally bully myself. I am so mean to myself. And I know this could be fixed by changing the way I speak to myself.

But no one really tells you how to do that. Because we live in a world where it is kinda trendy to overwork ourselves to success. To accept that we have to sacrifice our wellbeing for other’s approval. That being super disciplined is a good trait. And not a self-deprecating one.

I see other people treating themselves badly too. I feel it when I walk through the streets of Chicago, whether that be a construction worker who drops a pail of bricks and cusses himself out, or someone on the phone looking stressed, or a dog mom who gets frustrated during training. I feel it everywhere I go.

It’s constant. “The city that never sleeps”? Probably not for a good reason.

We all are just out here treating ourselves like shit. Physically, emotionally, and professionally.

I also understand that some people have no choice. This is true. But some also have the choice. And they still don’t choose to take care of themselves. It’s almost like this contest of who can be the most miserable. Who can push themselves the furthest?

Literally what is the prize? Adulthood? Credit card debt? More responsibility than we originally signed up for?

I think some species of animals literally EAT themselves when they’re so stressed.

Which is terrifying. But honestly, it draws a parallel. We hurt ourselves like this, because we think that treating ourselves badly will eventually help us. Help us be more successful. Help us lose weight. Help us make more friends. Help us gain a romantic partner. And in the end, we will be so grateful we went through that struggle because it got us to this happiness. It’s all worth it, right?

But then, we grow unsatisfied again, because we didn’t build the proper self-care practices to maintain our happiness void of all the extra stuff.

That’s hard to accept. Especially after you think you’ve worked so hard to gain this source of happiness. But, in reality, you’ve hurt yourself in the process.

It’s a tough realization when you become an adult. And you sit here in your adultness and you realize that most of the things you have came from difficulty.  

There are varying degrees of difficulty. Some things in my life were not nearly as difficult to obtain than others, and for other people they have more trouble that I do. I recognize that.

Despite the degree, I’ve worked hard for what I have. And it’s so hard to wrap our minds around overworking ourselves and how toxic that can be. Because if we don’t work hard, we don’t get what we want, right?

Where is the line? When is it okay to say, “I can’t do anymore. I need to give myself a break.”

You make investments with your time. Everything you say “yes” to has an opposing “no” that you have to accept. Every project you say “yes” to, you say “no” to another one. Every date you say “yes” to you are saying “no” to a night alone or with friends.

It’s a constant give and take. It’s all a game of considering what to say yes and no to, based on how you feel mentally, physically, and spiritually.

What I’m asking you to do today is to consider your wellbeing a little higher than the other priorities. Please. It’s so hard to figure out how you feel before you say yes to an opportunity. Especially the smaller “insignificant” ones.

It’s hard to recognize that you aren’t taking care of yourself. Because the only reason we overwork and overexert ourselves is to “help” ourselves in the long run, right?

A very sobering thought.

We all deserve to be treated well by others. But what’s more important is to treat ourselves with love and respect.

It’s time to stop bullying myself with the constant pressure to be perfect.

And thanks for coming along with me as I try to navigate my 20s and all these weird feelings.

If you’ve read this far, I hope all this made sense.

Comment below if you’ve struggled with similar thoughts 😊

Always love sharing with you guys <3

Talk soon,

Hannah