If They Wanted to, They Would: A Breakdown

This weekend I’m headed off to my cousin’s wedding.

My aunt asked me if I’m bringing a date.

I’ve never been asked that. Lol. I told her “No I won’t be bringing a date, Aunt Marcia.”

She goes, are you sure? ☹

“Yes, I’m sure.”

Damn. It felt kinda brutal to feel so confident in my single state only to be brought back down with a simple question. I guess I’m getting to the age where I’ll be asked that question quite a bit in the next few years of my life. As I celebrate loved ones committing themselves to their other halves. Significant others. Their “soulmates.”

I brushed the feeling off my shoulders and focused on other things. But this got me thinking.

I’ve been going through a sort of… thing. I’ve been feeling very introspective as of late, and I thought I’d share some of that with you guys. The chances you are going through something similar are high.

A wise person once told me that “the one resource you have, and have no chance of getting back, is time. So, if someone decides to leave your life, you have to be grateful. Because they didn’t waste your most precious resource. It’s a blessing really, not something to get upset over. I’ve decided to choose gratefulness instead. Grateful that I get that time to hold in my hands, that would otherwise be wasted by someone who just doesn’t care.”

Time is something that is truly irreplaceable. And when my aunt asked me if I would be bringing a date to my cousin’s wedding, it made me think of the phrase “If they wanted to, they would.”

It’s such a buzz phrase. Especially right now. It’s the advice that every digital creator, every podcast host, every life coach is giving. And it’s an extremely valid point.

But we hear it so damn much! And it’s difficult to accept. It’s one of those things that we KNOW is true and we know to be valid, but the putting it into practice part is impossible for many of us. Especially the “do-ers” of the world. Me? I’m a doer. I want something and I make it happen. I work very hard to achieve my goals and to make things happen. But, there are certain areas of my life where “trying harder” doesn’t necessarily reap great results.

And trying to make someone want to be with you, who obviously doesn’t, no matter the circumstances, is one of those areas.

If he wanted to, he would. If she wanted to, she would. If they wanted to see me, they would. If they wanted to try, they would. If a human being wanted to associate with another human being, they would. It’s really easy these days to stay in contact with someone. To keep a relationship going. All you have to do is pick up your phone and tap your fingers a few times. It’s not how it used to be. It’s so simple.

Now, if we go beyond just a pen pal/friendly relationship, it is not as simple to keep a relationship going. It requires a little more effort.

In my mind at least, though, I’d do anything for people I love and people I care about. People do crazy things when they care so deeply. So, if someone claims to feel the same way about me, why aren’t they doing the same things I am? Why don’t they want me?

You can’t force someone to be in your life, I know this. But it’s so hard to get it through my damn skull!

But after some deep thinking these past few months, and after going through a bit of a hiccup in my healing from my last relationship, I’ve realized that the hardest part about this realization is figuring out what to do after the fact. After we process and accept that this person is not going to be who we want them to be, how do we move on?

Kinda seems like I’m taking steps backwards, right?

How do we put our pieces back together and see our worth amidst the patched-up cracks of our being? How do we regain the control? How do we keep the hope that someday someone WILL want to be that person? And that it won’t be like pulling teeth?

I should not be so hard to love. I know I’m lovable.

Love is natural. It comes as second nature.

I’ve recently gone through a situation in which someone I still deeply care about chose to air our past relationship out on the internet. And our current relationship with it. With a high-profile guest. Lol. If you know, you know.

It hurt my feelings. I didn’t get a warning, and he knows damn well I listen to mostly everything he puts out.

He made it seem like he had no hope for a relationship in the future and that he didn’t still have feelings for me. He was just keeping in contact with me to be “nice.”

Which I know isn’t true, but that’s beside the point. I mean his own MOTHER still reaches out to me. And I’m supposed to think he’s indifferent towards me and completely over me? Yea, okay. nk

Regardless, he didn’t share the whole truth. People rarely do when they want to make themselves look like the good guy.

What matters is that I thought I had a chance to mend things with this person in the future. I would get my hopes up constantly because he would feed words to me that gave me hope. It was a rare moment where my hope, turned to naivety.

This podcast episode he put out gave me so much clarity.

While my life is wonderful and beautiful, I admit, I HAVE been sitting here, waiting around, waiting for him to show me that he cares. And I’ve lost all my control. I have willingly placed it in his hands, backed away, and hoped for the best. I thought that I was being noble. That I was opening my heart, and that by doing that I was relinquishing control. But I was mistaking the person I was giving it to for the right one.

I’m a very optimistic person, and I’m resilient. But I have been very blindly trusting in people that don’t deserve it. And I’ve realized that one thing I can control, is not breaking my OWN heart. By translating someone else’s refusal, someone’s walking out, someone ghosting me, or talking shit about me behind my back, to there being something wrong with me.

I have got to stop effing doing that. Breaking your own heart is taking someone else’s actions and equating that to your worth. I do it all the time, and it’s literally so stupid.

Because ITS NOT TRUE. Stop looking for your own flaws or actions as reasons why they left. It’s not your fault.

But don’t lose hope either. I have trouble relating to someone who doesn’t operate on hopeful thinking. We need it to survive, to dream, to inspire, and to keep going. It’s the glue that keeps me together in spite of being hurt.

You can’t lose it. You just can’t.

I would rather die than lose hope.

I do understand that it make us look kinda silly at times, and sometimes it is silly to have hope. Hope that someone will change, that people will stop hurting us. We shouldn’t hope that someone will start caring about us enough, when they aren’t showing any signs that they do.

But staying hopeful is the hardest and most important part in this process of accepting that if someone wanted to, they would.

And I’m still working on it. Because the journey of self-love and respect is rocky. It’s so difficult.

But I’m slowly taking my control back. This boy will never be who I want him to be in my life. I’ve accepted this and am taking steps towards forgetting his influence in my life. By making him indifferent in it. Because he doesn’t deserve any of my energy. None of my precious time.

So, in conclusion if they wanted to, they could. And they SHOULD. And if they don’t, well. Not your problem.

Hold that close. Would you really want to be with someone not emotionally mature enough to communicate that effectively? The answer is no.

So I’m going to a wedding this weekend. To celebrate love. To be with my family. Without a date.

But with the contentment in mind that I’ll eventually find one. Without settling in the process. Winky face.

And keep in mind.

You are NOT someone’s second choice. You are not someone’s “someday.” You deserve to be someone’s fuck yes and someone’s RIGHT NOW. No matter what.

Right person, wrong time, my ass. The right person will do whatever it takes to be with you.

And if you have good intentions, you don’t lose anyone, babe.

They lose you.

Remember that.

Talk soon <3,

Hannah