Que Sera, Sera

Happy spring everyone 😊 (technically)

It definitely does not feel like spring here in Chicago yet, but the weather is slowly getting nicer, and people are slowly coming out of hibernation.

My last blog post was about the power of the mind and how compelling it is to truly think about how strong it is. It has the capacity to overtake our perception of anything, positive or negative. Which can be overwhelming to even wrap our head around.

But lately, since writing that, I’ve been trying to consider how elating it is to truly be present and live in the contentment of my own company. Owning my own power and my own self-perception. Not seeking out external validation from friends and loved ones but spending time with them as a welcome addition to my already contented state.

I’ve been by myself in the apartment the past week because Maggie has been traveling. In the past, when I’ve spent a significant amount of time alone, I’ve scared myself. Instead of relishing in my own self-validation, I would spiral and think that I had no friends, I wasn’t going anywhere in life, and that everyone else was happier, prettier, healthier, and better than I was. I didn’t like the home I had created inside my head. I would grow anxious and start attaching myself to coping mechanisms that weren’t healthy.

When I was going through a confusing breakup not too long ago, I used my alone time to convince myself that no one would ever love me again and I would pity myself. And, you know, I’m sure that’s not the last time I’m going to think that. But bottom line is, it sucked.

But since having more practice (haha), I now cherish this time with myself. A time to reflect deep down if I’m truly happy, and a time to putz around my apartment in my own little routine.

Since the beginning of the year, I’ve really tried to grow more into my mind and build stronger roots in my relationship with myself. I have a couple solo trips planned in the coming months that I’m so excited to share with you. Those will be interesting. I’ve never traveled alone before.

One thing that I’ve been diving back into in my time alone is reading. I just recently finished a book titled The Measure by Nikki Erlick and BOY do I have a BONE TO PICK with this author. This novel absolutely RIPPED ME to pieces.

It’s essentially a fiction about 8 characters whose stories become intertwined because on one dull day in March, everyone receives a wooden box on their doorsteps. The box holds their fate inside: the answer to the exact number of years you will live.

I fell in love with the characters. I was hooked from the very first page and I had to pause multiple times to wipe my eyes and collect myself because the power of a decision of fate really f*cks with me.

It really made me think about what decision I would make if that happened in our world today. I’m sure the world would be in an absolute FRENZY trying to figure out where the boxes came from, what they mean, and if there was truth to what they promise.

In essence, would I want to know how long I would live? And, if so, what would I do with that knowledge?

The book was absolutely enchanting and deeply uplifting and really made me think about the possibility of having a destiny that encouraged me to live life to the fullest.

And to be frank, we don’t know how long our lives are going to be. It’s not a piece of knowledge that anyone has, and I don’t really think that a large number of humans live their lives like they’re going to die tomorrow. We get so caught up in the chaos of our daily lives we barely stop to think about our fates.

Which is a good thing, in my opinion.

But I do think that there is a way to remind ourselves of the fact that our days are numbered. The circle of life keeps going on whether we like it or not, and it makes me take a good look at my life and the quality of it.

Because we can’t predict tomorrow. We can plan for the future, but we can’t see it. We don’t have crystal balls.

And being here in my apartment by myself this week and finishing that book made me take a good look at the choices I’ve made thus far. Not to dwell on regret, but to celebrate that each decision I’ve made has led me to this contentment. To this moment where I can fully embrace my life as my own. I’m financially independent, I have steadfast friends (old and new), I’ve adopted new hobbies and interests, I have a good relationship with myself, and I know that I have so much to give. I can empathize, understand, and change my perspective when I know I’m wrong.

I’ve created a safe space for myself, which will nourish and support me whether I choose to stay in my comfort zone or venture out and explore new things. I have dreams. I have time. I have me.

I have the capacity and the privilege to acknowledge that whatever will be, will be. I can’t change the past or alter the future. I can only take pride in this moment.

I think it’s a such a beautiful thing to acknowledge that no matter what happens, it was already supposed to. There is a reason for everything. And there is not any way to change what’s already supposed to happen.

I feel like a lot of us could be reminded of that more often.

Obviously, I have a lot more growing and loving and exploring to do. But I encourage everyone reading this to take stock of your blessings and your current state. I think it’s worth it to encourage yourself to take pride in where you’ve come from and the potential for where you could be. Hold tight to your dreams and your hopes. Because what you want is already yours.

I am hoping that anyone reading this can gain a little bit of peace from this post. Knowing that where you are now is either exactly where you wanted to be, or it’s a place you never even dreamed you could be. But we got there all the same.

I am wondering though; would you open your box?

Just curious 😊

Talk soon,

Hannah