A Thousand Versions of Myself

So, it was my birthday on Tuesday. I am officially 24 years old.

I think it was my best birthday yet.

I took the day off work, I talked to all of the people I love, I ate pasta, and I had a full day to myself. Doing my favorite things.

I was talking on the phone with my parents, just chatting about life, how things are going at home, about past birthdays, etc. My mom always likes to remind me of my birth story on my birthday. When she was in labor, and when my dad and her frantically drove to the hospital. How it was a Sunday in September, so my dad was watching the University of Kentucky football game on while my mom was in excruciating pain. Lol.

But the phone call made me miss my parents. It reminded me of all of these versions of myself that my parents have seen over the years. I feel like we’re all so focused on our present selves and our future selves, that we forget about all of the past versions of ourselves. And on birthdays especially, the people close to me like to reminisce.

So do I.

Katy Bellotte, one of my absolute favorite Youtubers and podcasters, talked about this topic a few months ago on her podcast, Thick and Thin. And she kinda inspired this blog post, so shout out Katy 😊. Like, she will ever see this. lol.

In one specific episode, she mentions her own reflections of herself up to this point. And how documenting her life gave her a bird’s eye view into how much growth and change she experienced year after year.

And we really don’t realize how much we’ve change until we think back.

When I was talking to my parents on my birthday, I was reminded of our family trip to Colorado in August. I was with my mom’s side of the family, and we stayed in this beautiful house in Grand Lake for a week. Now, my mom is the youngest of six, and all her siblings were there with us besides my Aunt Marcia, her oldest sister.

My mom and her siblings have always been close. I never met my grandfather, because he died before I was born, but him and my grandma raised 6 pretty remarkable children. One of my favorite parts of being with my whole family, is getting a glimpse into who my mom was as a child, as a teenager, and as a young adult. Versions of her that my dad doesn’t even know, let alone my sister and I. It’s absolutely fascinating to hear stories and anecdotes about my mom learning to water ski, or losing her teeth, or being a cheerleader at her high school. Hearing about old boyfriends and friends, and learning about who she was to my grandma, to my uncles and to my aunts. Even my older cousins have memories of her before I was born. It’s such a special thing.

It’s the same with my dad. He’s the oldest of three, and it’s amazing to hear about his life story. Especially how he worked so hard to get where he is now.

Both of my parents have lived such intricate lives, and I need to ask them more about their past, because I know there will be a time where I won’t be able to ask them anymore. They have built my version of a family, and it’s so important to me to know where I came from.

I really want to ask them both, “Hey mom and dad. Is this what you pictured your life to be like when you were 24? When you were my age, what did you want for yourself? What did you want for your future?”

Without even knowing their answers to that, I can predict that they didn’t expect how GOOD their lives were going to be. I don’t think they even knew each other yet, as they met when my mom was 28 and my dad was 30.  

But regardless, it made me think. Why do I put so much pressure on myself to have it all figured out, when my parents didn’t even know who they were at 24? They had no idea of what was to come, and no way to predict how GOOD it would be. They hadn’t even met each other yet.

Back to Colorado. One night, my family went out for ice cream in Grand Lake, the sleepiest little mountain town. It was a beautiful night, and there were a lot of families with little kids also getting ice cream. I don’t know why I fixated on this, but I remember thinking “I literally don’t remember what ice cream flavor I would’ve picked as a little kid.” Would it have been strawberry? Cookies and cream? Plain vanilla? What clothes were my favorite? Who was my best friend at the time? What was my favorite song? These details I wanted to remember. Who was I to myself at age 5, age 10, age 13?

It struck me that there are a thousand different versions of me that I don’t even think about. Because I’m so invested in my current self and on the “me” I want to be. And honestly, I can’t really figure out what that looks like. Because, like my parents, I truly don’t know where I will be in 5 or 10 years. I try to visualize the highest version of happiness and security and other things that we all chase, but I don’t really know what that looks like. And that scares me.

Because it makes me jump to comparison of people I look up to. Like the Gwyneth Paltrows of the world in Architectural Digest with the beautiful homes and thriving businesses. Like, is that what I want? I don’t even know.

But it really does go to show that if you can’t figure out what the future will look like, just focus on your current self. And how to make your past self proud.  

For me, I focus on the version of myself in an American flag Target tankini playing on the Florida beaches, or the version of me that sang her little heart out in middle school musicals, or the version of me that went through 4 years of college and failed multiple tests but also thrived in group projects and creative presentations. Those versions of me still have hope. Those versions of me look forward to who I am today.  

Those versions of me came out on the other side of anxiety attacks, body image struggles, breakups, and hard lessons. So why the f*ck, should I not continue?

Getting older can be ominous and scary. I am now 24 years old. My 19 year old version of myself could not have predicted most of the things I now possess. We thought we’d still be in a relationship with that boy, we thought we may have stayed in Cincinnati, we thought we would be close to an engagement, or we thought we would have been making more money.

But the things that fulfill me at 24 are so different, and in hindsight, less complex. I find joy in more small things now. I guess going through the trials and tribulations of college helped me realize what is actually important.

So now, 4 days into being 24, (because I’m obviously so much wiser now lol), I am the most grateful for my life I have ever been. I am the happiest I’ve ever been. I’m so incredibly thankful for my friends, my family, and my resilience.

I’ve realized these are the most important things to me. Not achieving a certain milestone at a certain age. Not letting society dictate when it’s too late.

I am so young. I have so much life left to live.

I’m ecstatic to turn 25. To turn 30. To turn 40!! There are so many exciting things ahead.  

Each year that passes brings me closer to understanding myself and how I work in this world. Each year makes me feel smaller, in a good way. I’m realizing that there is so much happening around me and so many things that will continue to happen. There are so many beautiful paths we can go on, that we should not compare ourselves to but that we should see as positive little beacons of hope. Hope that it can still be good, even if it’s not good right now.

I can’t wait to meet these other versions of me.

Talk soon <3,

Hannah