Off Days, Off Weeks, Off Years

Do you ever feel… off? Like nothing is really wrong, but something isn’t quite right?

I’ve kinda had a weird week. Nothing out of the ordinary happened. On the surface it should seem like I had a very relaxed work week and a restorative couple of days.

But I feel as though since the new year, I’ve just been going through the motions. Almost like I have… no bones. Which means I just haven’t felt completely like my confident and curious self this week.

I haven’t been saying much.

I haven’t been very busy at work. I usually love being able to work from home, but recently I’ve been feeling untethered from my job and missing community. I’m in between projects and feel a lull coming on that scares me. I’ve been feeling sort of undervalued at work, mostly attributed to the lack of communication and validation I’ve received from higher ups lately. Which I know is a bit of a silly thing to be worried about. No news is good news, right?

I don’t know, I’ve just felt sort of useless this week. And it’s a feeling that I quite literally disdain.

Yes, I am incredibly grateful for my employment and my steady paycheck that allows me to live the life I live. But for someone who takes great pride in their work, and uses it as a sort of fulfillment, feeling useless is a feeling that I dread.

And for some reason, that mentality has sort of folded its way into my mental state. Affecting my day-to-day mood. Which sucks.

Why do I feel so untethered? Like I’m going through the motions but not really going anywhere?

I know I want to do more, and I want to feel more purpose in my job. Maybe that’s why I’m writing this right now and why I’ve started to put my energy in other things this week. Even if it’s just finishing the Harry Potter series as fast as I can and working out every day. Lol, I’m just trying to feel something.

On these quieter weeks, I feel like an imposter. And unfortunately, comparison sneaks its way into my subconscious. It’s like I’m not the main character of my life, and I instead let other people’s successes and stories take space in my mind.

It’s intoxicating sometimes. To scroll through people’s social medias. To see their successes. To see their happiness. To wonder if I’ve made the right choices. To wonder if this is all there is.

Now, I could spiral until my head falls off comparing myself to my peers and other coworkers. And it’s easy to fall into that trap. I fall victim to it way more than I like to admit. It’s addicting. I see other women’s healthy relationships, their new houses and apartments, new stylish clothes, new friends, new travel experiences, and what seems to be an unending fountain of wealth that is providing them the ability to make their lives look so desirable. I see things I covet, things I want. Things that I know if I worked harder for, (or tricked myself into thinking I need), that I could get there.

There is some truth to that. Definitely. I could lead my entire life trying to keep up with the Joneses. I’d probably even convince myself I’m happy. But, at what cost?

Part of the narrative that we tell ourselves when we convince ourselves we need to keep up with our peers to live a great life, is the idea that “everyone has it figured out.” I mean, how couldn’t we think that. Look at their endless streams of accomplishments on LinkedIn or their picturesque honeymoon photos with the loves of their lives. How couldn’t we think that when it’s obvious that they’re winning?

The highlight reels can be deceiving. I mean, I do it. I only post what I want people to see on my Instagram, and Tik Tok. Even this blog is curated. Sorry, but everyone does it. I can be raw and real, yes, but I’m not throwing caution to the wind and letting my entire brain splatter all over this page.

I’m telling a story the way I want it told. In hopes I may help someone see through the spirals of their own mind. In hopes I can help someone see through the veil of uncertainty. Even if it’s only just admitting that I can be wrong. And fake sometimes.

It’s part of being human.

And to be honest, we are not supposed to know every detail and precious milestone of every person we’ve ever encountered. This experience is one that is unique to the age we live in, one that we are still adapting to. The digital age.

Before the internet existed, people would move in and out of your life by happenstance. They would just leave. We wouldn’t know what they were doing or how their lives were unfolding. We are gently connected to everyone we’ve quite possibly ever known because of social media. Even though they are geographically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually so different from us now. It’s tricking you into thinking that everyone you’ve ever known has their shit together, and you are the only one who doesn’t.

It's a cruel and manipulative thing that the internet does. It’s crazy.

The truth that I want you to take out of this post is that you are on the right track. How couldn’t you be? There is not a wrong way to move through your own life. It’s yours. We’re never certain about what is next in our lives. And if you are, well, are you sure it’s your individual path you’re going down?

As we go through this life, trying to gather enough evidence that we are enough and that we are worthy, we will stop at anything to disprove this. We are so unkind to ourselves and don’t treat ourselves in a high enough regard as we navigate life. As we navigate love, loss, confusion, grief, fear, anger, and ambiguity.

I read in a book once that, “The journey isn’t about convincing yourself that you aren’t enough but loving yourself even if you aren’t.” Of course, if you’re asked on a date, you are beautiful and worthy of love. Of course, if you attend your dream school and graduate, you are worthy of success. Of course, if you have a lot of friends and you are told you are likeable and kind, you are worthy of acceptance. Yes, these are all beautiful reasons to convince ourselves that we are worthy. But until you believe that you’re worthy WITHOUT this validation, you won’t ever truly feel it.

Does that make sense? Lol, sometimes I confuse myself when I try to explain things.

What I’m trying to say is, stop trying to convince yourself you’re worthy of love and acceptance and care, and instead start loving and accepting and caring for yourself unconditionally. Being worthy isn’t something we earn, it’s something we inherently know.

Because we’ve cultivated our own sense of self love and care.

Just remember that on your off days, you’ve come farther than you know. You’re doing better than you think.

Even if all you did today was get out of bed, that is enough. You are a living breathing human who has accomplished great things. Who hasn’t even lived to see the great things you’re about to achieve.

This is your life, at your pace, on your own path. Your worth is a by-product of your existence. A fact.

Maybe you should stop and smell the roses. Finally feel it.

Talk soon, <3

Hannah