What Your Mother Never Told You About Post- Grad

Lately, I’ve been feeling like I’m floating. Not necessarily in a euphoric way, but in a more “imposter syndrome” way.

My life has drastically changed in the last 6 months for more reasons than one. But graduating from college and moving from my hometown of Cincinnati to Chicago might be the biggest.

I’ve dreamt of living here for a while. I’m sitting here on a Sunday afternoon typing away at my laptop, sipping some coffee, looking at this beautiful apartment that Maggie and I have decorated, and I do feel content. Yet, throughout the week, I know thoughts will creep in that’ll make me wonder why I even made this decision in the first place. And if it was the right one.

When I moved here, I felt everything I was expecting to feel. Homesickness, loneliness, confusion, and fear. I felt unrooted and unprepared.  Yet, I’ve also felt elated, joyful, comfortable, responsible, like I belong here, and like I am finally free! Free to live the life I’ve always wanted to live. But, even more so, the feeling of freedom can sometimes send me into a panic.

I no longer have a path paved ahead of me. School is over, and I don’t plan on going to grad school or anything. I’m living day to day, working my 9-5 and getting into new routines. I’m making new friends and learning my way around this city that I can now call home. I’m doing all the “right” things, I guess. My life path thus far has led me here. Ever since I was 3 years old, it was onto kindergarten, then middle school, high school, college, and then a job! But, what’s next?

That’s the issue. It could literally be anything. I know I want to get married and have kids eventually, but that doesn’t seem to be happening anytime soon. The number of options is so endless it’s almost overwhelming. I was so content in the comfortable life I’d created for myself that for the first months that I moved here, I thought I was set. I thought I’d settle into my new job and my new home, sit back, and watch my life form itself into what I wanted it to be. Funny how we think that just because school ends, that our lives can now begin. Yet, no one teaches us how to live without a plan. After working so hard to get here, aren’t we supposed to lean into the reality of the rest of our lives and let things happen? But, not too much that we grow complacent or get bored. We ask ourselves, “Is this it?” How are we supposed to ignore these thoughts and just enjoy it?

Maybe it’s just me. Whatever the case, since my post-grad honeymoon phase has worn off, I feel like I’ve been in a bit of a funk. While I’m excited for whatever my future holds, I feel perpetually unsettled and I’m not sure it’s going to go away anytime soon. I imagine I’m going to change my mind a lot over the next few years and I’m worried about almost every decision I’ve made thus far.

This state of uncertainty I’m in right now is probably something that people can relate to. The past few months have made me realize that I don’t want to be working for the industry I work for now for the rest of my life. What’s my story? What do I want out of life? What is my purpose here? I’ve spent my whole life preparing for the “real world”, but I still don’t feel prepared. I mean, in the technical sense, I do have a lot of tools at my fingertips to help me pave this path. But, in school, they don’t teach you how to adjust to new surroundings. They don’t teach you how to switch career paths. They don’t teach you how to heal from heartbreak, or how to grow in self-confidence. They don’t teach you what to do in an existential crisis. And they especially don’t teach you how to pick yourself up and finally go to therapy.

My best friends and I right before we graduated from college.

Dwelling on my past choices takes up a lot of my mental energy. And it doesn’t help that I’ve recently gone through a breakup. It’s made me question everything. I’m trying my best to go through the motions of getting over it, but it’s still made me feel lost and confused. Like I’m kind of just letting the waves take me out to sea, instead of riding them.

And the reality is… there will always be a “better” thing. No matter how amazing your decision is, there will always be an alternative. I’ve learned that I must understand my values, and where they align. There’s a confidence that comes with knowing what you value and using that to lead your decision making. I know I value authenticity, but is what I’m creating authentic to who I am? I know I value kindness, but am I leading a life that encourages that? I have a lot of thinking to do.

And I know it’s hard. But thinking about alternatives will literally steal the joy out from under any decision you make. You don’t want to get “analysis paralysis”, because then you won’t move in any direction. You’ll just spend this time of your life spiraling.

And in the words of Jordin Sparks, (lol) you must move one step at a time. At the end of the day, if you’re aligning with your core values, being kind, working hard, and filling your own cup, I feel like you can’t ever make a wrong decision. You don’t want to waste time. In my opinion, it’s more valuable than money.

But I just want anyone reading this to know that you’re not alone. If you feel like your life could go in so many different directions, but it’s too overwhelming to choose just one. If you feel like you’re doing all the right things, but they don’t really feel right. Like you’re living someone else’s dream. Like you’re a puppet in your own life. If you feel frustrated for wanting more when you should feel like you have enough. If you feel like your heart is somewhere else.

You’re not alone.

Honestly, life will probably always feel like this. Post-grad might be a constant state of unknown. And I guess that’s something we’ll have to get used to.

And we should celebrate that. So, I’ll keep you posted.