Heartbreak… And Moving On

So, I’m supposed to move on from a tragic heartbreak (or two) while trying to create a brand-new life in a new city? Like, at the same time? Yea, okay.

I’m sure I’m not alone here, and time heals all wounds, but god damn!

In the past two years, I’ve been through two of the hardest breakups of my life so far. TWO YEARS !

The first one happened out of the blue, on a visit to his college town, after a confession that changed the course of both of our futures. We had been together for 4 and a half years consecutively, and I was forced to make a decision I did not want to make. I was certain I was going to marry this boy and was devastated when I learned what he had done. He had lied to me about cheating for almost two years. And had decided to tell me based on selfish reasons. He wanted “to protect our relationship in the years to come” and to “get it all out on the table before we began our lives together post college”. Not because I deserved to know. But because of a guilty conscience. Long story short, I ended it.

About two months later, I went to dinner with an old friend and felt sparks again. I wasn’t expecting to feel these feelings so fast and didn’t want to push myself after such a traumatic breakup. But he gave me hope again. He helped me convince myself that I was ready. And maybe I was. He took me on the ride of a lifetime in only 8 short months. He showed me a life that I had only dreamed of living. He showed me understanding, selflessness, light, love, and a whole lot of laughter. He was everything that my ex wasn’t. Something I didn’t know I needed.

But, he eventually decided he couldn’t do it anymore. We were living across the country from each other, but at the beginning, it seemed like such a small obstacle. We loved each other, so it didn’t matter. We would make it work. Or so I thought. He got overwhelmed. He held these feelings inside for 3 months and decided to tell me about how he was feeling after he had already ended the relationship in his mind. I had no warning, no way to know how to help him. He slipped through my fingers.

I wasn’t prepared for either of these relationships to end so fast. And I also wasn’t prepared to deal with the trauma of both of them at the same time.

And I’m a hopeless romantic. Someone who might start thinking about what our future kids will look like, someone who will legitimately write my first name with your last in my journal. Even after the first date. Elementary type shit. When I fall, I fall hard. I feel intensely. I love almost blindly. I’m sentimental and I always try to make things special.

I’d never been ashamed of that part of myself, until I learned that some people could use it and abuse it. They can take advantage of your kindness. They can be so afraid to hurt your feelings that they lie, and lie, and lie. I’m not sure what part of me gives off the vibe that I’ll break into a million pieces if someone tells me the truth. Yea, maybe it’ll hurt in the short term. But nothing, and I mean nothing, hurts more than having to beg someone to be honest with me about something they’re feeling or something awful they’ve done. How they’re not happy anymore and haven’t been for a while. And I’ve just been living in a fantasy. I’ve been thinking that everything is okay. When in reality, I’ve been made a fool.  

I’ve never felt more disrespected in my entire life. In both scenarios, I thought I was so secure. Turns out I was just naïve. I guess you take that risk when you let all your guards down.

How awful. Is that what kindness and loyalty get you? Dishonesty and disrespect? Hell, that sure is a cruel world to live in.

It sounds so terrible, that I refuse to believe that we live in a world where good people get burned the hardest. That can’t be reality.

But here’s the catch. It is the reality. With the wrong people.

With the right ones? Not a chance.

Now, this knowledge didn’t just come to me overnight or in a dream. I truly had to feel the worst of my emotions. I had to go to that dark place that terrified me. I had to become such a shell of a human, that there was no choice but to build myself back up again. I just happened to be going through this phase while I was also acclimating to my new life in Chicago.

Talk about feeling completely uprooted and lost. For the first few months, right after my breakup, I was trying my hardest to build roots in this new city. But I wanted to be somewhere else. I wanted to be back with this person, creating a new life where he was living. Not here where I was, but there.

And that’s what heartbreak can do to you. It makes you question every decision. It makes you not want to live a life you’ve dreamed of living, because that person isn’t there to share the joy with you anymore. It’s giving me chills just thinking about that place I was in just a few short months ago.

Now, I’m not over these feelings. They creep in every once in awhile and send me into the deepest spirals. Sometimes, I fear I won’t ever get over it.

And honestly, I don’t think this feeling ever goes away. It just fades into the background.

The people we let into our lives, whom with we share our darkest secrets, who see our most vulnerable selves; these people aren’t ever erased from our memories. They are a part of us. No matter how badly they’ve hurt us.

But, there are ways to make it more bearable. I’ve tried focusing more on my physical health by joining a gym and going back to hot yoga classes that I love. By talking with a therapist, who helps me shift my pattern of thought whenever the heartache gets to be too much. By throwing myself into my work, by spending time with friends (old and new), and by focusing my mind on building this new life. By realizing that these people who disappoint us have taught us some valuable lessons. They’ve taught us what we DON’T want. That we deserve better. It opens your heart to more possibilities. It helps me learn to trust myself again.

The loneliness can be unbearable at times. And sometimes you do have to sit with it. But the key, is acknowledging that feeling as temporary. Because it is. People leave. People disappoint you. And we get so caught up in the disappointment, that we forget to focus on the people in our lives that have never let us down. The ones who have been there from the start. I bet you have more of these people than you think. Lean on them. Be kind to yourself. And know that every door that closes is another opportunity to walk right into an open one.

You never truly get over a person that you once loved. It’s just about learning how to let go. To stop holding on to that version of your future. And having faith that what is meant to be, will be.

Let things end. Make space for yourself to bloom. Make space for your power.

You’re never alone.

Talk soon,

Hannah