Why You Shouldn’t Take What They Say Personally.
I grew up pretty sensitive.
I would cry when something didn’t go my way, when my parents were angry with me, or when someone would say something demeaning to me. Honestly, until middle school, I was your token “crybaby”. I rarely stood my ground when I was made fun of and blamed myself for other people’s opinions of me.
It’s where my insecurities were bred. I’m sure you can relate.
Now, as I grew up, I cried about it less. But the feeling remained. The feeling of dread and disappointment in myself when I would believe other’s criticisms and harsh remarks towards my character or my appearance. This soon turned into the “people-pleasing” nature that became a part of who I was and who I still am today.
But recently, I’ve noticed that I’ve been more in tune with how I use up my own energy. Since moving to Chicago, I’ve created a very safe space within my mind, almost like a cocoon. I’ve developed routines, rituals, and thought patterns to protect myself and my energy from negative intruders. It’s almost a survival instinct, especially post heartbreak.
But every once in a while, the negative thoughts creep in. And they can be triggered by the darndest things.
Like, when I get cut off in traffic, or someone doesn’t laugh at a joke I make, or I’m not affirmed in my abilities at work. A friend or family member might say something to me in a bitey tone or ignores my text message. It’s the smallest things.
Recently, a new friend of mine referred to me as something demeaning, insinuating that I was immature and childish compared to my other girlfriends. I know he meant it as a joke, but I didn’t find it very funny. I originally took it as a compliment, knowing that I come off as happy-go-lucky, flighty, and bubbly to new people. I wouldn’t describe myself as very reserved or poised when I’m not in a professional setting. I’m silly, loud, and animated. It’s who I am.
But as soon as he insinuated that an aspect of my personality was unattractive to him, I couldn’t shake it. Even though I don’t hold this person in high regard, I still felt personally ATTACKED by a small comment he made, like it was the end of the world.
And, I was like, “Why is this bothering me so much?” It was one of those triggers that plowed through my little cocoon of positive thoughts. I was angry and hurt.
Then, I stopped and thought, “Hold up. This is literally not about me.” I realized I was taking his comment to heart. I was taking it personally. It was shattering my own high opinion of myself. And not in a productive way. And for what?
The more I thought about it, I realized that unfortunately, and fortunately, nothing that other people do, or say, is because of me. It may seem like it is at times. But, in reality, someone’s negative comment or action has to do with how they’re feeling about themselves and their life. Their wins and losses. Their perspective.
I mean, c’mon, can you name anyone you know who isn’t absorbed into their own thoughts and feelings, as we all are? Most people say things with no regard to how anyone else will perceive it.
Just because someone wants to project their beliefs and their opinions onto you, whether or not they are trying to insult you, does not mean that it is TRUE!
Say it again. It does not mean that it is TRUE!
That person does not have power over your unique and beautiful thoughts, feelings, or actions. Every single individual is unique. There is no one who understands the world quite like you do.
Now, this doesn’t mean that things like this won’t hurt. And trust me, you should let people know when they hurt your feelings. It’s just not cool.
But, each person has a view of the world based on the circumstances they were born into, the part of the world they came from, their gender, their sexual orientation, etc. Everything that has happened to us shapes who we are.
Other people’s perspectives have nothing to do with you. Other people’s opinions of you do not necessarily describe you. If you take someone’s perspective personally you are essentially agreeing with what that person is accusing you of, and you DO NOT have to. You have the power to choose what affects you. You don’t have to give it space in your head.
And oh boy, take our current political climate for example. Just on social media alone, there are plenty of people acting defensively. And, I get it. People want to defend their opinions. But these people are defending candidates that represent their individual needs. A political candidate has nothing to do with them personally, yet they try to “convince” others they’re right. That their candidate’s values are the right ones. Some people just love to listen to themselves talk. Lol.
When you take things personally, you either want to defend your beliefs and create conflict, or (if you’re like me) you spiral. You try to use that unsolicited opinion and you start acting according to someone else’s preferences. You use this to people please, when there was nothing that needed to be changed about you in the first place. It’s scary how much we can lose ourselves in what we think others expect from us.
When you take things personally, you make yourself easy prey for toxic people. And you don’t want that.
Next time you find yourself taking someone’s comments or actions to heart, think of what they say as their own internal struggle. Their own projection of their issues upon you. Remember, hurt people hurt people. And if you don’t hold this person in a high regard, why listen to them anyway?
It’s your choice, babe. You don’t have to be susceptible to toxic people; it’s your choice. You decide who and what you allow to bother you, and who you let upset your beautifully emotional heart and peace of mind.
I can promise you, it’s not worth it.
And hey, even the smallest awareness of how you react to other people can help you learn more about yourself. It opens your eyes to be more compassionate towards other people’s unique experiences. And maybe even help you understand how other people perceive what YOU say.
Don’t take things personally. See people as what they are. People. Imperfect.
Talk soon,
Hannah